Take Back the Night
On November 7, 2020 at 5:00 P.S.T, we “took back the night.”
Four years ago, when we had our first woman candidate for President, Jay and I decided to engage our children in the Presidential debates. We wanted them to remember and watch “herstory” in the making. They watched Hillary break a glass ceiling at the DNC; they watched her masterfully debate Trump; and they watched her shimmy her shoulders when it was clear to most of us that Trump would lose. They also watched Trump demean minorities, saw him linger behind Hillary like a bully at the debate, and at a very young age learned what sexual assault was.
So, when Election Day came along, like many of you, we planned an intimate gathering with friends for dinner and to watch the results at our house. Like many of you, we wanted to see the first woman be elected President. Like many of you, we wanted the Trump rhetoric and soapbox to end. And, like many of you, we put up an “I’m with her” banner; wore our Hillary buttons attached to our pant suits; used blueberries and raspberries to make a Hillary themed dessert; painted “H’s” on our faces...but we know how it ends. When our friends arrived, Florida was reported. And they left almost as quickly as they had arrived. We shut off the TV, and decided to co-sleep that night the way we did when the kids were babies. I waited until they were asleep and then it came: the tears and sobs. Except Annika wasn’t really asleep. She immediately turned toward me like she did when she was a baby and started hugging me. But I felt like I needed to protect her, and failed.
See, before 2016, our kids barely watched any T.V. As empaths, they could not handle a Disney movie – mom’s dying wasn’t their thing. No, their life was full of butterflies, rainbows, fairies, and gnomes. When she entered first grade she read about racism for the first time. (When I entered first grade, I experienced racism at my first recess). She was studying Martin Luther King and when she came home she said... “Mommy, did you know that if it was 1950, you and me would have to use a different bathroom and drinking fountain than Xander and Daddy?” For her, race was about pigment and the color wheel. When she learned about how he died, she reported to me, “Mommy, he died because he was “shocked!” I didn’t have the heart to tell her she had mistaken the word “shocked” for “shot.” But they did watch Obama’s inspiring speeches on YouTube “Are you fired up? Ready to go!” and the came with us to vote in 2012, they wore our stickers, and Xander walked around saying “My mama voted for Obama! Mama and Obama rhymes!”
After the 2016 election, like-minded moms came over to support each other and brainstorm how to raise our children in the Trump era. I desperately turned to older and wiser mentors in hopes for some advice on how this might play out. They didn’t have any. I felt lost as an American, a woman, a minority, a lawyer, and a mother.
After 2016, we were forced to burst the rainbows and fairies bubble quickly. We started resisting – as a family. We made signs, attended every Women’s March, hosted a political fundraiser, canvassed, and volunteered to help turn Orange County blue in the 2018 election. We listened to The Daily and NPR on the way to school. We watched documentaries, talked about the news, law, and history. Topics I rarely discussed at their age growing up.
The last four years have been hard to watch and witness. And I desperately hoped that the “pendulum” would quickly “swing back” to quote the words of RBG. But it did get harder. The #MeToo movement was amazing, but hard. The nomination of Brett Kavanaugh was especially painful. The travel ban, the children in cages, the impeachment trial, the denial of science, then the pandemic, and George Floyd, the loss of RBG...you know it all. Every time I grew sad, Annika would remind me to volunteer...so when my ACLU law school friend asked me to volunteer as an attorney for the Michigan Voting hotline I was eager to help. It felt good to hear from voters on both sides about their voting concerns and be able to explain how to ensure their vote would be counted. It felt good to learn about how elections were being held with health and safety in mind. And it felt good that ensuring the right to vote was a top concern.
This election cycle and the days between November 3rd and 7th were like waiting for bar exam results. Sometimes we thought, maybe it’s better to not know the result, maybe I don’t want to check? But as predicted by many there was a “red mirage” because absentee ballots would be counted later. And when Florida went to Trump, our blood drained. We felt PTSD and deep concern that our country was affirmatively voting for white supremacy. The green vomit emojis flooded my text messages. Many of us went to bed feeling like 2016 all over again. Brushing up on all things Election Law was all consuming. The days after, the slow rolling in of results felt like we were experience “November Madness” in place of our cancelled “March Madness.” The kids refreshed their NYTimes and Associated Press pages as much as I did. The kids were “checking the score” and calculating electoral vote permutations every day. And the kids were the first to share the news with us this morning too! And how fitting was it that my daughter found out because her girlfriends had awoken her with text messages of the Biden Harris victory as well! That generation was watching. How hopeful.
The other really nice thing witnessing this election brought for me was a togetherness with friends and family locally and also all across the globe. I reconnected with my childhood best friend and neighbor who lives in New Zealand as we commiserated about the redness of our hometown and the feelings we had every morning between November 3rd and today. She sent me a photo of day after the Election in 2016 from outside her window in New Zealand. A neighbor had an American flag at half-mast. She sent me the same photo from this morning and it was flying high! She wasn’t the only far away friend that I have been able to share these daily checkups and memories with – the election and the pandemic both – have gifted me with deeper and more frequent virtual connections beyond Facebook or Instagram updates with far-away friends from childhood, college, law school and beyond. Conversations with friends and voters from Michigan, Illinois, Texas, New York, DC, Colorado not just about politics and living in the age of a pandemic, but about everything have filled my heart and soul and have served as the silver lining of 2020.
So tonight, after all the virtual connections and celebrations we had with friends and family over the phone, we “took back the night” that was wrenched away from us in 2016. We settled in our same spots on the couch where we were in 2016. We snuggled under a blanket and watched Kamala Harris, a half Indian half Black woman, lawyer, and politician take the stage. Suited and booted in suffragist white she broke another glass ceiling. She looked like us, we looked like her. She spoke of democracy not being “guaranteed...It is only as strong as our willingness to fight for it.” She spoke of “hope and unity, decency, science, and yes, truth!” She spoke about how her Indian mother made her believe anything was possible for her. She paid tribute to women past, present and future. And yes...“I am not crying, you’re crying.” Joe Biden, our new, decent and smart President also reminded us of what our leader’s should sound like and what messages they should be sending Americans. And I still “wasn’t’ crying” when he said he wasn’t just going to “keep the faith,” he was going to “spread the faith.”
Yes, as a family, without any pomp or circumstance, we “took back the night” tonight. We took it back with a decent leader and a sidekick who looks like us. We took it back with Leaders who have made policy mistakes but are willing to learn from them. We took it back with hope that science and logic will get us through this pandemic. We took it back knowing that Trumpism isn’t gone. We will likely still need to march, still need to resist, and still need to progress, but we took it back nonetheless.
Let’s all march with them:
Amazing graphic by https://www.briagoeller.com/wtf-america. Can’t wait to buy this print!
And feel free to share your memories with us below. We would love to hold a space here to collect all of our and our children’s collective feelings an experiences as a time capsule for the future!